Fifty Shades Darker Review

The fact that we’re getting unwanted sequels to films nobody like is why we get can’t get nice things in life. And while upon watching Fifty Shades Darker, it really dawned on me just thinking was this absolutely worth the two hours spent watching two attractive people have sex? Not even remotely. But there should be a lesson to be taught here: never date a guy who owns a sex dungeon. A clear sign that he’s all kinds of f-ed up.

Christian (Jamie Dornan) and Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) decide to rekindle their relationship, except this time there are no more rules or punishments. As they begin to get used to their newfound relationship, Christian’s past begins to haunt Ana as Christian struggles with his innermost thoughts.

My hatred for Fifty Shades of Grey is very clear. It was one of the distasteful romantic movies I’ve ever seen and it was one of the worst movies of 2015 while winning Worst Picture at the Razzies the following year. But since it became a worldwide phenomenon as it was a huge box office success making 166 MM domestically (because everybody was dumb enough not to see Kingsman that weekend), it was, of course, getting a sequel based on the book. So let’s be honest with ourselves, Fifty Shades Darker wasn’t going to be great, but who thought it would be? It’s exactly the same movie.

Even though there wasn’t a single ounce of anticipation with this, there was a little bit of hoping because of director James Foley taking over for Sam- Taylor Johnson. He’s responsible for directing Glengarry Glen Ross, which I heard was very good. However, it didn’t benefactor into another garbage film in the series. The writing is still poorly written with these characters saying dumb dialogue. This shouldn’t be a surprise because it’s clear that this was all based on Twilight fan fiction and the screenplay is written by Niall Leonard, E.L. James’ husband. Does it show in the writing? Yes, it does.

After two movies, I seriously can’t see through Dornan as Christian Grey. He’s such an unlikable person, to begin with, and he’s seriously a creep. Dornan still puts in a very bland performance as he doesn’t seem to give a crap in this role. Johnson is still alright albeit having to be in this. There’s still no chemistry between them, which was what I was actually wanting for in Darker, but it wasn’t there. The huge concern I had while watching was I completely don’t understand why Anastasia wants to be in a relationship with Christian. Didn’t she hate him because he spanked her really hard that she can’t handle him in the first place? Seemed to be forgotten now as they become a couple and have rough sex. Is he controlling her like he’s her father and he knows her bank accountant? That’s a clear red flag, you dumbass. She can be an independent woman if she has to and she doesn’t need his help at all. At some point, there’s going to be a case where he’s gonna kill her because, for some reason, he reminds me of a serial killer. Let’s just nominate them as the worst onscreen couple of the decade because they deserve it quite frankly.

Even the sex scenes weren’t even watchable. There’s more in this than the last film and there’s no BDSM found here, but it’s super boring just watching two actors pleasure each other while a current pop song that’s included on the film’s soundtrack plays in the background. It’s pretty much on the same level as Cinemax softcore porn. When it got to the second sex scene between them, it already became tedious after a while. I mean I got sick after watching Johnston be naked so many times in one movie.

And this is still dull as the first film as well. Nothing interesting happens for the duration of this as repeats the same scenarios all over again and it becomes boring and brutal to sit through. There’s a subplot involving one of Christian’s former flames stalking Ana. That might seem interesting on how it would play out but that’s like only four scenes max and it doesn’t mean anything and it’s pretty much forgotten by the end. To be frankly, everybody is kind of a stalker of Ana including her creepy boss, Kim Basinger, etc. But when it tries to become thrilling, it goes from a serious erotic drama to a funny comedy in a millisecond. Like there’s a sequence where Grey’s flying a helicopter and it’s about to crash and it came out of nowhere.

At a point, it went on for so long afterward that it made me appreciate that The LEGO Batman Movie and John Wick Chapter 2 were two great movies that came out that same weekend and worth the money I paid to see them. It just became so boring after the hour mark as it leads to nothing worth mentioning.

Overall, this is a sequel that nobody should’ve asked for as it contains tasteful dialogue, the bland chemistry between our two leads, and a story that doesn’t go anywhere new not going toward the territory of sexy.

When the final installment of the series, Fifty Shades Freed, comes out, I’m already smelling it to be another terrible film that’s going to end on someone’s top 10 worst of the year.

Fifty Shades Darker is not better or worse than its garbage predecessor, but this is just boring softcore porn all over again.

Grade: F